Stepping up to the Plate

Yeah, it’s about time to do that… address a few things that have been milling around in this brain and finally doing something about it! …taking some action!  First, and most important and impending is to actually start MAKING it to my scheduled therapist appointments..  I need to get back on track with talking to someone on a regular basis and finding solutions to so many of the predicaments I find myself in..  Seeing someone and working thru this stuff has helped me so much in the past.  I have forgotten (almost) how to communicate with people…  I made a verbal contract with my friend Anna, who lives in Colorado, to get over to see my therapist before December 18th.  I’ll call him on Monday to schedule an appointment.  Part of what I want to discuss is the Borderline Personality Disorder and issues with one of my 3 medications.  The one in particular,  just really knocks me out and feels very weird in my system.  I don’t mind the effects of my anti-depressant, in fact-quite the contrary!  I feel really good about taking it and really have no overall problems with it or its implications… However, the one that gives me trouble, the Depakote… it’s just really strong and has strange side effects.. like it makes my mouth really cold inside and I can smell emitting an odor through my skin.. although it’s not an unpleasant scent, I just don’t like the idea of smelling like medicine!  I’ve asked others if they can smell it and they can’t, but I can or am perhaps just conscious of it..  Overall, I just don’t like how it makes me feel..

I wanted to address the post I made, (Kvetching), about my financial situation and the help my family gives to me… I hope it doesn’t sound like I am being ungrateful.. for I’m not at all!!  I just had a beef with them about a specific situation… which is totally over and resolved… but I needed to vent about it.  I thought it wouldn’t be terrible to post my situation in a blog for the world… all 3 of you… to read!  I apologize to them if they are upset about venting in this forum, but hope that they can understand why I might need someplace to share my side of the story..  somewhere to talk about it…  They certainly have their significant others to band together with… 

In the meantime…

Going to get some photos up here as soon as I get a replacement cord to download images from my camera into the computer… don’t know where it’s hiding!

What’s the diff?

I think that part of the reason I’m not blogging too frequently is that i can’t figure out how to navigate thru some of the options here on wordpress.  Like what’s the difference b/t a page and a post?  or how do I change the headings for posting photos… bla bla bla.. and i just (admittedly) get lazy and give up… bad habit!!  So, I am challenging myself to figure this out and be more productive with it and contribute to society with my images/words/notions of wisdom… one way or another!!

so, give it up for the P-dog! …and wish me luck!

Good Times

It used to be that I trusted the Universe.  Somehow I feel that I should rewrite that sentence to say, “…I trusted the Universe MORE…”, but right now it’s not a question of quantity.  I feel like I have lost all faith and only bad things can and will happen to me.  It scares me so much.  I realize this on this morning when good things have occured-but I can’t grasp the benefits or feel grateful for them.  It’s also a time when so many things are just up in the air for me; the unknowns of moving and meeting potential roommate(s), my financial outcome for the move, a discussion to be had with my landlord…  I keep thinking, “the roommates will hate me”, “they won’t understand my ‘disability’”, “my disability will scare them off”, “I am not worthy of the potential happy outcome”.  It helps to write it down… GOD!  Such a sigh of releif.  To let it go.  Breath.  Ahh.

Why can’t I seem to allow myself to rejoice in the good things taking place and the potential for wonderful things coming my way.  I’m trying to open myself to the possibilities that all of the unknowns could and WILL have great positive results-if only I let myself accept it… to allow myself to dream the dream!!

Kvetching

I need to get this sitch off of my chest…  It all started with a note to a few friends and my 3 x siblings regarding the fact that i just got a (used) futon from a neighbor; sized full.  I have no sheets to fit it.  I am on a fixed “disability” income from Social Security so it’s really impossible to go out and pick up a set of sheets at approximately $30/set… yes, I prefer cotton… who doesn’t??  And I’m getting crazy grief from my family on this because since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, they’ve been contributing to my survival with money in the amount ranging from $800/month which came to a halt 4.5 years ago, to a current $60/week which it has been for over 1 x year.  I recieve exactly $757.00/mo from SSD leaving me with $47/month after rent is paid.  This does not include any other expenses.. so i have $287/mo to spend on my needs; from paper towels to bandaids to shampoo, laundry soap, hair drier, new sheets… you get the picture..

I asked my family twice or 3 x times about whether or not they could please go thru their stuff and see if they have any of the following in storage to send to me;

warm socks, blankets, cotton sheets and rugs

…and the whole thing has exploded and backfired madly in my face and they think I am ungrateful and selfish.  I was so clear about just having them look for stuff they already had, when my brother’s wife took it upon herself to go out and look for sheets for me.  Uuurggh!  I had no intention for her to do this, because I KNEW it would go totally awry with my brother and the whole thing would somehow be all my fault!  And that’s exactly what happened.  Now, neither my brother nor sister and of course not my sister-in-law, are talking to me.  What a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into this time, Ollie! 

It has turned into a such fiasco and I’m at a loss for knowing how to deal with it.  They don’t know about this blog and at some point, I hope to share it with them, but for now, I’d like to know why they don’t know that someone with my “disability” has special needs and is having such a hard time after almost 10 years of unemployment to find a job to support myself at some capacity??!!  My health care needs require alot of attention… tube-feedings every 4 hours around the clock to maintain my weight of approximately 107… (up from 72lbs just 2 x years ago, thank you very much!!).  I am so proud of the achievements and progress that I’ve made, but feel so abandoned by them.  It feels like they give me the $60/week to ‘pay me off’ and keep me off their backs.. like it’s their pay-off to not have to ‘deal’ with the reality of ME.  And if i ask for anything, there seems to be all of this subtext for all of the countless unmentionables they bring up from past crisis situations that I have gotten myself into.  It is like they’re simply tired of me and have cut me off totally at $60-that’s that!!  And I don’t even want their $60, but I’m terrified to say, “Keep it!”  I don’t have a fall-back plan in place to put that into place right now.  

I am currently trying to move.  Looking on Craigslist for an apt to rent either on my own or with a roommate/share… and need to do it by Oct. 1st.  I want to get this in place 1st… then 2nd get some employment in place, so that I CAN say to my family, “Thank you for all of your support, but I’ll be okay now… You’ve been great to help me..  I hope to repay you for all of your grief someday!”  A part-time gig would be excellent, as it’s all I can really ask for because of my nutritional needs…  I look everyday for jobs and send off my resume about 3 x times per week that I find online.  However, I have not had any feedback other than, ”the position has been filled”. 

I want to go back to school… find available grants to pay for it… and figure out a way to reintegrate myself back into the working world!  I miss it so much..

All or Nothing

…That’s how it feels sometimes.  Like it’s all or nothing.  I have these intense spurts of being up to my ears in my new friend-or old friend and callling/emailing/obsessing about them constantly, having an intense food craving and not stopping until it’s perfectly prepared and divuldged by someone I can make it for, collecting countless new recipes for special occasions I’d like to have, bugging people for rides, article of property I’m seeking or in a dire need of obtaining or an event that’s happening in my life…

…then POOF!!   Then suddenly, for some reason~it stops and I’m left with all of these emotions I have no training at all with how to deal.  I’m getting better at ‘coping’ with these people / places / and things that  I get cut off from as I get older, but when it happens ~ wow!  I can really shut down and represent myself in this really terrified, lonely and desperate form.  This is how it feels and it’s called Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’m trying to find a forum or group meeting or chat-room for people with this disorder.  I have the diagnosis, along with Bipolar Disorder;  (i don’t know if I have Bipolar I or Bipolar II).  I take my medications religiously and am highly functioning with, in addition to another/separate medical disability.  The later is a medical disability that was the direct result of the former… (I will discuss it some other time…).

I guess it’s safe to say that I feel pretty sure that writing it all in a blog helps alot, because being the introspective girl that I am… I can see my patterns and learn from them… like when I get all excited about something or when I’m just blazee about something..

 

Anyway, if you know of any good discussion groups in the Chicagoland area or anywhere online, please leave a comment.

I look forward to hearing from you.

cheers-  Patsy Desmond

Here we go, yo!

Hello and how do you do? I guess “welcome” seems appropriate. It’s all kind of new to me so i’ll get swivvy and send out a really good blog next time.

As for now, I’m sitting pretty in my flat-here in the darkness of my garden apartment but with the great company of ms. Elinore, my upstair’s neighbor Todd’s sweet dog. He rescued her several years back from Oman, where he lived while teaching… English, I believe..

I actually trotted beside her, unleashed, thru Humbolt Park 2 x days ago!! This would be the first time my legs allowed weight bearing pressure to fall upon them in nearly 8 years!! So, it is big news. Now-the objective is to get a bike and keep them knees lubed up and in motion!

I grilled a couple of burgers with a bit of Kosher salt and Fresh Ground Pepper and a touch of some garlic salt..my lil secret… -out in the back yard yesterday for my 2nd floor neighbor, Bill. I also grilled veggies: tomato, summer squash and fennel bulb which he had never eaten and was in heaven!! Funny how far that little bit of Kosher salt, FG Pepper and olive oil can go! Simplicity, I say!! Always Simplicity!

Tomorrow I will go down to Pilsen to see Sam & Bettina’s twins.. I can’t wait! Will hopefully remember to bring along my camera and snap some shots to post here..

Enough of me.. what about you?